By Austin Lewter, Jefferson Jimplecute
The start of a new year generally brings with it resolutions of better living.
We are knocking on the door of February, so the gyms have probably cleared out by now but not all resolutions center around getting back in shape.
Other common New Year’s resolutions might involve finances or emotional health.
Maybe you have resolved to offer more forgiveness in the New Year.
Maybe you are resolute to restore broken relationships.
These are both nob le pursuits, but both must be approached with the right mindset.
When healing old relationship wounds, one must remember: forgiveness and trust are not the same thing.
When someone you care about has deeply hurt you, it can be a complicated process restoring your relationship to what it once was.
Contrary to popular belief, complete reconciliation doesn’t come with the three words, “I forgive you.”
Forgiveness is a single step in the process of restoring a broken relationship.
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you must now completely trust them or forget the wrong.
Put plainly, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself—not the one who wronged you.
Forgiveness sets you free from the bitterness and hurt.
Forgiveness is a solo act.
It is something you have to work through independently.
While a genuine apology can make forgiveness easier, ultimately, it isn’t a requirement. Forgiveness is a decision you make on your own.
When you do, it will feel liberating.
Trust is not the same as forgiveness.
Luke 17: 3-4 says, “Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”
It does not say you must automatically trust him again.
Trust requires consistent action by the offender in order for trust to be regained.
Trust has to be rebuilt.
While forgiveness is a part of that rebuilding process, granting forgiveness does not mean you are also granting trust.
The person who broke the trust may often think once they’ve been forgiven things can go back to the way they were.
Nothing could be farther from the truth.
Expecting this type of immediacy will only prolong the reconciliation process.
The person who chooses to forgive gets to set boundaries.
They then decide when to grant trust based on actions.
When you decide to forgive, you’re not letting the offender off the hook.
You’re not alleviating them of accountability and responsibility.
Like I said, forgiveness is for you—not the other person.
It shouldn’t even be based on the other person’s actions.
You can still choose to forgive even if the other party is not remorseful or does not want to change.
Forgiveness is an internal and unilateral process based your ability to do the following:
-Gain a clear understanding of what happened.
-Work through the hurt and anger.
-Learn how to feel safe again.
-Let go of the grudge and let the memory heal.
-Be willing to remember the past with compassion and hope instead of with a sense of injustice.
This is not an easy process, and the timeline for forgiveness can be short or extremely long.
Forgiveness is not an event that happens all at once.
Forgiveness is a process.
You shouldn’t be hard on yourself if you can’t forgive someone right away.
When it comes to rebuilding trust—it takes two to tango.
It’s a process that should involve:
-Talking about what happened.
-Listen to both sides of the story.
-Express your feelings.
-Listen to the offender’s remorse.
-Evaluating whether you both want to work towards reconciliation
It’s a process that takes time and boundaries must be established.
As a new year has dawned, a transition of power has occurred within our federal government.
The year 2020 was a hard one for everyone, it seems.
Social media has lended to the national debate of bickering and back biting.
Feelings are hurt and voices feel as if they are unheard.
Why not now?
Why not forgive now.
Trust may never come, but the the first step is initiating the process of forgiveness.
Austin Lewter is the co-publisher and editor of The Jefferson Jimplecute He can be reached at jeffersonjimplecute@gmail.com